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Thinking of joining a FREE Adult SEX Dating service?

iHook-Up: Decide for yourself.

Sex contacts casual sex review site: It should come as no surprise that their approach to the best free dating is built around making extra money.

A tongue-in-cheek look at free dating sites. Most of these sites, if not all, are scam dating sites designed to trick men into signing up based on claims they will be able to meet local women for sex. Men looking for milfs, gilfs, mature women and married women who want NSA sex are scammed into parting with money on false claims. The truth is, if you want to shag women, view real sex contacts, look at genuine adult personals or hookup up with women for sex, then you will end up very disappointed and much poorer! Thought we'd create this page for any gullible men that might be thinking of joining these scam sex sites thinking they will end up being able to fuck women. It's never going to happen, ever. XXX Sex Contacts is the only UK sex contact site that works EXACTLY as it should. Why waste your money or risk things anywhere else?!

What you should know about FREE ADULT DATING sites before it's too late...

Read on...

Free Adult Dating membership...
'Enormous waste of time and money'

Free Adult Dating websites that encourage men to sign-up and then pay-up on the promise they can meet women for sex is a huge and utter waste of men's time and money, it's been confirmed.

In addition to being full of made up nonsense and shit images, free adult dating site owners admit there are no real women members, never has been and never will be.

Martin Figgis, owner of a free adult dating website admitted that the growth of his empire was funded entirely by men who upgraded from a rubbish free membership to a worthless premium account.

Figgis said: "Although all free adult dating sites are a big rip off, my wealth is real enough.

"When I started out it was a bit of a gamble really as I never quite realised just how much money I could make by simply telling gullible men they could have sex with women who don't exist. It's all rather unbelievable but I'm not complaining."

Adding: "I thought about opening a back street East End bookmakers, but was warned off by the Mafia who use baseball bats and flick knives, despite being devout Catholics.

"Setting up an adult dating site and telling men they can meet women for sex in real life is tricky because there aren't actually any real women on adult dating sites, just men."

A spokesman for gullible men everywhere said: "The revelation that adult dating sites don't have any real women is not just irritating, it is disgraceful in every possible way and means free adult dating sites are an utter waste of men's time and money. Gullible men everywhere should get a refund."

A former free adult dating site member who now watches slightly more TV, told XXX Sex Contacts: "adult dating sites have thousands of imaginary women all saying rather convincingly, that they want to hook-up with you for sex. This may or may not be true.

"Either way it doesn't matter because all the women exist only in the imagination and are not real.

"If I'd only realised this six years ago, instead of upgrading my free adult dating membership I would have upgraded my shitty Renault Clio which is totally fucked. Bastards"

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Free Adult Dating...
'For old men with shit attitude'

Free adult dating franchise 'Fuck A Blonde Tonight', owned by Hahaha Ltd is to launch a new free adult dating service aimed at middle-aged beer swilling men who smoke at least 40 fags a day and think they're better than they are.

A spokesman for 'Fuck A Blonde Tonight' said: "We know there's a market for an adult dating service aimed at men who treat people like shit and want to dominate others all the time.

"We envisage members will be aged 50-60, born in April and public school educated. They'll lean towards Conservative or UKIP over Labour or Liberal and will hate caravan owners with a vengeance. Oh yes, and can't stand that awful John Lennon song Imagine."

Adding: "Members will have one testicle or two at the most, and will be pretending to be happily married to a journalist or someone from Germany while secretly wanting to have sex with a 24-year-old blonde with big tits and a posh accent who lives in the south."

Given the new site will be populated by sex prevents, weirdoes and men masquerading as women, it's likely to lead to members becoming angry and frustrated when they don't get their own way. We can see tempers flaring, lots of swearing and even the odd punch being thrown in the direction of anyone they feel has let them down.

Defending the fake nature of free adult dating sites the spokesman said: "This is to be expected from men who are prone to temper tantrums and silly childish behaviour. This can be put down to the fact they've never really grown up. It will have nothing to do with not getting a shag; it would be a case of their natural personality coming through. If we do get a complaint we'll just fob them off with a month's supply of cheap fags as a gesture of good will.

"No one really likes these men you know. They're complete pricks."

Searching for WOMEN NEAR ME? Looking for Married Women Wanting Sex? Well you won't find them on hookup sex sites because they are scams. No real women would ever join such sites. Think about it!

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Free Adult Dating...
'Bans men with IQ over 65'

The unbearably smug owners of two adult dating sites, 'Get a Shag Tonight' and 'Fuck Someone's Wife Tonight', is to ban all men with an IQ above 65. Free adult dating sites, which have increasingly become an overpriced nowhere land full of men chasing improbable dreams with unrealistically fake blonde bimbos with enormous tits, is to take the bold step of excluding men who aren't glaringly thick."

A spokesperson for 'Get a shag Tonight' and 'Fuck Someone's Wife Tonight' said: "We have a massive UK membership running into millions made up of people who pay us money and people who don't and the two groups are really failing to gel.

"On the one hand you've got men who pay their monthly subscription fee month after month after month no problem, while on the other you've got a bunch of free-loaders who won't pay for a gold membership upgrade, despite being told a blue-eyed blonde-haired 22-year-old called Sally from Southampton with gigantic tits is definitely interested in shagging them. Hard to fathom I know.

"Somehow we needed to reconcile these two groups and the common denominator seems to be IQ. Basically, those members who aren't fooled into giving us money fall into a marginally higher IQ band than those we manage to take cash off each month.

"It makes commercial sense to get rid of anyone who won't pay because all they do is fucking moan. They can be nothing but trouble and are a right pain in the arse, frankly.

"So the plan is this, anyone with an IQ over 65 can go fuck off."

A bloke called Dave from Doncaster who admitted he'd been a member of 'Fuck Someone's Wife Tonight' for seven years, told us: "My IQ is 64 so I just scraped through, how lucky is that. I'm just relieved that I'm not getting banned from 'Fuck Someone's Wife Tonight' because I think I must be getting very close to a shag."

"It's great that the site is banning clever-dicks because it means more totty for the rest us.

Adding: "I've not met anyone yet, but there have been lots of women who say they like me, so I'm sure it's only a matter of time. I've thought about stopping my monthly adult dating subscription a few times over the years, but it's a bit like doing the lottery; you daren't stop for fear of missing out if you know what I mean? Besides, I keep getting lots of messages from really hot women who say they like my profile. That's all I want to say. My wife might be reading this. Now fuck off."

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Disclaimer: Stories are for entertainment and are not true. We accept no responsibility for the accuracy or otherwise of any story we publish – it's all made up and not supposed to be true. You knew that, right?

Free Adult Dating...
'Hackers grab private details'

EMMA V, Mistress XXX Sex Contacts

While those registering with free adult dating sites may feel that their personal details, messages and photos are safe and secure, there's no guarantee personal data won't be shared, passed on, hacked or posted online. Such content is potentially searchable on the web.

Registering with free adult dating sites can also lead to unwanted sexual contact from sexual predators. This can involve enticing, coercing, or tricking you into parting with money, or transmitting nude and sexual images of yourself as part of a grooming process leading to exploitation by sexual predators.


So boys, what's the reality of free adult dating sites in the UK, if you want to actually meet a woman for a shag that is? Well, we've had a good look round the Net and the rumblings aren't good. Numerous user reviews slag off and discredit such sites with members' claiming they were duped into parting with money on a promise of meeting women for sex, which simply never happens. Some sites allegedly even abuse their users' personal details in the process.

Free Adult Dating...
'It's all a big magic roundabout'

Member's finger free adult dating sites as gigantic rip off! The adult dating industry has been described as an industrial-scale deception which dupes thousands of innocent men into parting with money. When registering your details, you have little or no control over where that information may end up!

Free Adult Dating...
'A busted flush'

Some online reviews claim free adult dating sites are born of deception and use deceptive practices, are bogus and unreliable and that sites artificially boost membership numbers with fake female profiles.

Here at XXX Sex Contacts we don't make false claims about you being able to meet Women for sex IRL - we do, however, boast Sex profiles of glamour models, porn stars and some of the hottest women in the UK.

In some ways exchanging messages through XXX Sex Contacts is considered a new form of flirting or a new rung on the ladder of sexual experience for people, and can be understood in the context of having intimate sexual adventures.

If you think it will lead to a shag, forget it. You might as well buy your dog a custom-made, historically accurate civil war costume.

Hot | XXX Sex Contacts No other sex contacts' site quite measures up...

Find sex contacts now | or keep reading...

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Adult Dating Review Sites...
'Run by adult dating site owners'

Investigative journalist Martin Figgiss said: "Thousands of men will be shocked to learn that free adult dating review sites are actually owned by adult dating sites to self brag about their own service or by affiliates in the pay of adult dating site owners.

"What's been uncovered is an elaborate rouse set up by free adult dating sites in an attempt to drown out negative member reviews that claim adult dating sites are a big rip off. The creation of adult dating review sites is a dirty tactic by adult dating site owners to intentionally mislead men, and it seems to be working as every day hundreds of men are still signing up to these sites. It's astonishing really.

"Now you might think 'free' means without cost or payment, but you'd be wrong. Free adult dating sites use the word free because it takes up less space than saying 'you have to pay'.

He added: "It surprises me that men who sign up to these so called free adult dating sites haven't worked this out for themselves yet. Then again, perhaps not."

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Free Adult Dating...
'Pope to expose everything'

Pope Commits to Fight Against Free Adult Dating sites and 'Expose Everything'
The Pope has announced he is ready to wage war against free adult dating sites because they're not free, don't lead to sex dates and are full of men masquerading as hot blondes with big tits.

A Vatican spokesman said: "By the power of Catholicism His Holiness is ready to take on immoral entities that intentionally lead weak men into temptations of the flesh because it's a sin in God's eyes."

When it was pointed out to the Pope that free adult dating sites never lead to members hooking up to have sex in real life, the Holy Father's right hand man said: "Everyone knows that except His Holiness.

"Most mornings His Holiness sits upon the Papal Thorne sipping coffee and reading the papers before coming up with fresh opinions on things he knows nothing about.

"But like his predecessors, this Pope likes to make things up as he goes along and will run with whatever sounds good in his head at the time. The only consideration being 'what can I get away with?"

The Pope's move to declare war on adult dating sites is 'worth a punt' as it's likely to prove popular with devout Catholics, the WI and the ghost of Mary Whitehouse."

A spokesman in Rome said: "He's probably going to say something about vegetarianism and animals being able to mind read next, but it must be remembered that His Holiness is supreme head of the church, a head of state and the Bishop of Rome so he can say what the fuck he likes."

Adding: "I wouldn't take him too seriously; he's just an old man in a funny little hat that happens to be thinking about sex at the moment."

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European Supermarket...
'Moves into UK free adult dating market'

Yesterday's announcement by a leading European supermarket giant will be seen as yet another blatant attack on the struggling UK supermarket chain that launched its free Value Adult Dating service just last year aimed at shoppers who want to copulate on a budget.

I spokesperson for the European company said: "We are confident that shoppers in the UK will switch from what is essentially a pretend no-frills free adult dating service because it's rubbish and it doesn't work."

Adding: "We have a clear plan that will see us marching into the UK next year and taking over the shoppers' free adult dating market by storm supported by our joint venture partner who is an up-market flash car manufacturer who knows a thing or two about delivering the ultimate experience. I'm not at liberty to disclose the identity of our joint venture partner at this time."

He went on to say: "We're sure that shoppers in the UK looking for extra-marital sex will prefer the look and feel of our service. When we pull it off it will be very exciting."

In response to the European supermarket's announcement to enter the UK shoppers' adult dating market a spokesperson for Value Adult Dating said: "We've taken out all the unnecessary stuff that normally requires members of an adult dating service to give an entirely fictional representation of their personality, and boiled it down to the essential issue at hand. Are you willing to have sex with anyone who is willing to have sex with you? A simple yes or no is all that's required."

Adding: "In order to streamline and speed up a shopper's registration we decided not to include the usual dating site photo upload feature to the Value Adult Dating platform. In any event, we know that the sort of person who uses Value Dating will not be remotely bothered about what the person they're shagging looks like."

He went on to say: "We know our Value Adult Dating service model is what our shoppers want. There's very little we don't already know about our customers and the additional information we will get when a shopper signs up to Value Dating will fill in any blanks nicely."

Value Adult Dating has been exposed as nothing more than another cheap profiteering trick by a UK supermarket to con people into parting with their money in return for a load of crap. Damning evidence in a tabloid newspaper recently revealed that of the 765,321 UK members on Value Adult Dating there's only one woman.

The European model of a shopper's adult dating service will seek to match couples based on their shopping habits, whereas the Value Adult Dating service has been forced to strip back on the online dating experience by merely asking its members if they are willing to have sex with each other.

XXX Sex Contacts managed to track down 42-year-old Janet Willy from Shitterton in Dorset who is Value Adult Dating's only female member. She said: "I hooked up with a 46-year-old man called Martin who I met through Value Adult Dating last week and the experience was a bit like eating a Value Cheesecake. It seems OK when you start consuming it, but afterwards you feel cheap and want to be sick."

Since joining Value Adult Dating three weeks ago, Janet told us she's received 7,644 messages from men wanting to meet her and perform every conceivable sex act imaginable.

Janet said: "It's ridiculous; I'm not even good looking really. You'd think I was the only female member on the site. I just hope my husband never finds out about this."

With Janet's help we managed to track down Martin to ask him about his experience as a member of Value Adult Dating. He said: "I met this woman called Janet through the Value Adult Dating website and true to the Value Range ethos she was badly packaged, tasted rather manky and was not at all as described. No way was she 42, more like 62. I'm going to ask for a full refund of my membership plus the cost of a fish and chip supper for two and a bottle of Lambrusco.

"I suppose you get what you pay for."

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LUST Software CEO admits his company is behind the mind-numbing software used by free adult dating sites

Men sign-up to free adult dating sites thinking they're talking to real women who want to shag them, but it's all a big joke and the jokes on them, says CEO of LUST Software.

LUST CEO said: "Free adult dating sites use our 'Merry-Go-Round Dating Platform' which is engineered to put men at ease, shut down all natural defensive mechanisms and get them to think using only their dicks.

"The minute you sign-up to an adult dating site LUST kicks-in and takes over all functions, automatically generating messages supposedly from real female members who want to meet you for sex. Then, and this is the clever bit, LUST gets you to log-in to the site again and gives you more fake women to begin the cycle again.

"In two shakes of a donkey's tail LUST sweeps aside your common sense and reasoning and tells you that your current relationship is shit, and that all you need to do to get the sex you want is to upgrade your free membership to a Silver or Gold account. And if LUST performs as well as we know it can you'll stretch to a Platinum account and we get a big fat bonus cheque from the adult dating site's owner. Lovely."

LUST uses the latest subliminal brain shut-down technology which eliminates natural human scepticism, removes common sense and fucks with your ability to distinguish what is bullshit and what is reality. LUST then follows up with a sequence of membership upgrade options to boost site owner's profits.

LUST CEO said: "We've chucked everything we've learned about adult dating into developing LUST and it's as good as it gets frankly. It's the ultimate in mind manipulation software for adult dating websites and a massive profit booster for their owners.

Adding: "Men want to meet a hot blonde, ideally 24-years-old, who has big tits, a shaved pussy and lives within a 10 mile radius, and that's exactly what LUST pretends to deliver.

"Of course eventually you'll twig what's going on and try to cancel your adult dating membership but LUST makes it very hard for you to pull out.

"Besides, there's always that thought the next contact could be the one. Hahaha"

It's rumoured that LUST Software has developed mind manipulation and mind altering software for the Catholic Church. If true, it's further proof that the company is rather good at getting people to believe in the unbelievable.

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Free Adult Dating...
'Another day, another security breach'

Ashley Madison, an adult dating site claiming to have more than a million UK members, has been hacked and user data stolen and posted online. The site, which is used by married people wanting to cheat and have affairs, says it has more than 37 million members in more than 50 countries.

According to the hackers, who go by the tag of the 'Impact Team', personal private details of the site's users' secret sexual fantasies, credit card transactions and account data - including member's real names and addresses were grabbed and published online.

The hacking incident has been confirmed by the adult dating site's owner, who say they will carry out a full delete of a user's profile for free (normally £12) with immediate effect.

The hackers claim they managed to steal the real names and addresses of the site's users, including those who had previously paid to delete their accounts. Although Ashley Madison claim that its 'paid- delete' option removes all information related to a member's profile and communications activity - the hackers alleged that the service is a complete lie and that personal information is kept even after a member has paid for it to be removed.

The company behind Ashley Madison has offered its members an apology, for what it describes as an 'unprovoked and criminal intrusion into its customers' information' - adding that unauthorised access points have now been closed.

In May, adult dating website Adult Friend Finder was also hacked and thousands of its customer records were leaked online. XXX Sex Contacts remains the safest and fastest way to connect with real sex contacts without being forced to hand over your private personal details!

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Free Adult Dating...
'AFF alert'

Are you registered with adult dating site Adult Friend Finder? Have your personal details been posted online?

AFF, one of the largest adult dating sites on the planet has been hacked and four million users have had their private details stolen, including sexual preferences and whether they are hunting out extramarital affairs. Apparently email addresses, usernames, postcodes and date of births have also been compromised leaving people open to serious cyber crime.

Furthermore, some of these details have now been posted online on a forum on the 'dark web' – the hidden part of the Internet that's invisible to Google.

Reports suggest the hack took place a number of months ago but details have only just been revealed that some of AFF's users have already been targeted by cyber thieves.

One of AFF's members told the Guardian: "The site seemed OK, but when I got into it, I realised it wasn't really for me... by that time I'd already given my information. You couldn't get into the site without handing over information."

We hope you're not someone that's been affected. Rest assured XXX Sex Contacts don't force you to hand over any personal details in order to exchange messages with other sex contacts.

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Lord resigns after alleged sex involving big tits and some suspicious white stuff

A member of the House of Lords has allegedly been exposed for snorting a white substance from between the large breasts of a woman he met through a free adult dating site.

Speaking outside his London home and wearing a loose cape of crimson silk velvet trimmed with oak gold leaf lace and carrying a black cocked hat, the disgraced Lord said: "I was a proud member of the House of Lords, these robes date back over 400 years and I wouldn't describe her tits as particularly big.

A former colleague of the Baron said: "His career is well and truly fucked. Thinking we're above the very laws we make and expect everyone else to obey smacks of rank hypocrisy at its worst in the eyes of the plebs.

"His greatest crime is to drag down still further public opinion in the House of Lords, if that's even possible. He wasn't doing anything different to the rest of us; he just got careless that's all."

Adding: "At least he's only a Baron. When the tabloids get around to exposing an Earl, or heavens forbid a Duke, the shit will hit the fan, the House of Lords will be history and our privileged peerage lifestyle will come to an abrupt end. We'll all be fucked, have to sell our castles and live the rest of our lives on benefits.

"We could find ourselves back in a republic and in the mid-17th century again when houses were too small, streets were dirty and people were afraid to go out at night. Hang on a minute."

He went on: "Everyone in the House of Lords knows the Baron couldn't have been snorting white stuff from between the breasts of a woman he met through a free adult dating site because such sites don't have any real women. They're all scams. But even if you take the big tits out of the equation, you're still left with the allegation he snorted some suspicious white stuff, so it looks like the story could be half right.

"It all seems rather odd if you ask me, because one of the first things we're told when entering the House of Lords is that snorting a substance while engaging in a sex act, particularly if the substance happens to be white and sticky, is not a good idea. One shouldn't do it basically. Hard to see how he could have made such a massive balls up."

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Sex muse

LEEDS lass Josie Cunningham in the news, again...
Remember Josie Cunningham the 24-year-old Leeds lass that had her boobs blown up on the NHS from a 32A to a 36DD? She claimed she got bullied every time she left the house because she had small tits? Yeah well, she's hit the headlines again! This time for snapping her mystery fiancé's cock during a sex act. The controversial mum-of-three said something along the lines of: 'I broke his todger during a rather energetic sex act. There was blood everywhere, but I think he'll be OK.' Must have been a hell of a shock Josie looking down on your fella and seeing blood spurting out all over the place, like a scene from CSI...

We suggest that you get your man into doing a spot of yoga Josie. The bendy positions translate well in the sack and might help avoid such an unfortunate occurrence happening again. Building an awesome body while boosting one's sex life. From downward facing dog to wide-legged forward bend... well, we hardly need to spell it out, do we?

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Bad boy

One of the nation's favourite bad boys of rock, Noel Gallagher (48), ex-Oasis star, frontman and all round outspoken loud-mouth branded a heckler at a gig in Ireland a bigger cunt than his brother. The guy apparently shouted out "Where's Liam?" To which Noel responded with: "Liam's at home looking at himself in the mirror. Fortunately, he's still not as big a cunt as you are. Imagine that, being a bigger cunt than our kid. Imagine that." We would guess that things between the estranged Gallagher brothers are still, well how can we put this: Fucked-up... Shame really... What is it with the North West and Liverpool in particular?... Fortunately, we don't have any sex contacts that are relatives of Noels, as far as we know!... lol

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Naughty girl

DANNIELLA WESTBROOK ex-East Enders' star...
Apparently Danniella Westbrook, the 41-year-old ex-East Enders' star, sent explicit selfies to a stranger. You'll remember it was Danniella who was exposed by a Sunday tabloid for sending snaps of herself to a company boss while sitting on a pub toilet and performing a solo sex act. Sounds classy Danniella!...

However, Danniella as eloquent as ever took to Twitter to comment via a series of quote images and cryptic messages. Fans of Danniella tweeted messages of support, with one saying: "Everyone makes mistakes in life don't let them bring you down Danni xx." It's good to have proper friends innit...

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Porn Stars

EMMA V. Mistress XXX Sex Contacts

Let's cut to the chase boys, we've all probably had a browse at porn sites this year. However, have you got any idea who the top 10 most searched for adult porn stars of 2015 are? No, I didn't think so. lol Scroll down for an education...

(10) Alexis Texas; (9) Sashs Gray; (8) Sunny Leone ; (7) August Ames; (6) Brandi Love; (5) Kim Kardashian (still going strong); (4) Asia Akira; (3) Madison Ivy; (2) Lisa Ann and the number one slot goes to sexy stunner... Mia Khalifa!

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