10 Things Guys Don’t Understand About the Female Orgasm
By Tom Mayem
1. You have been blessed with the unfathomable, bordering-on-magic ability of back-to-back (to back) orgasms. Zero. Refractory. Period. Even at our peak, we’d have to go into the bathroom after orgasming and splash some water on our penis and give it a pep talk to get back out there.
2. It seems like you just mainlined a triple latte after you orgasm. We orgasm and want to go to bed. It’s like a warm glass of milk (except instead of going into our mouths, it comes out of our penis so it’s actually the exact opposite). Meanwhile, when you’re done cuming, you want to draft up an itinerary for what we’re doing the next month of our lives. How does it give you so much energy?
3. Your orgasm seems like a complicated, beautiful, and frustrating journey. If you graphed out a guy’s build-up to orgasm, it would just go up and up and up and up and then drop off. A woman’s orgasm looks like rising action, three mini-climaxes, a prologue, and an unresolved subplot about “no, this is too many pillows under my stomach.”
4. You actually have different kinds, like an orgasm buffet. If sex is a weird 24-hour dinner at the side of the road, guys can only order a fizzy orange. That’s it. No choice between Coke or Pepsi, or Diet, or Dr. Pepper. It’s just fizzy orange. And fizzy orange is great. Nothing wrong with that. But with women, they can order a whole bunch of soft drinks. They’re all still fizzy drinks but each one is just a little bit different. And that’s crazy. We literally can’t imagine having options. We cannot imagine drinking Coke.
5. You don’t even need anything up in your vagina. That’s even more mind-blowing. All of our orgasms involve our penis going into something. Women can have nipple orgasms, and clitoral orgasms, and penetrative orgasms. We don’t understand that. It’s like we’re at last metaphor’s diner, and you order Coke, and the waitress shows up and throws it against your boobs, and you’re like, “WELL, THAT WAS REFRESHING.” We only interact with a fizzy drink with our mouths.
6. If a guy’s orgasm is a hose, a woman’s is a bucket of water. You’ll get things wet either way but it’s a very different kind of mess.
7. Just how long they last. It’s like we got a sprint and you all got a marathon. Ours last about as long as it takes to swallow an aspirin. Meanwhile, you’re over there with your eyes glazed over going on a spiritual journey that forever changes you.
8. COREGASMS? YOU CAN LITERALLY ORGASM WHILE YOU EXERCISE? You just made working out fun. It’s a shame because cuming would literally be the best motivation for a guy to hit the gym harder, yet it’s slipped through our fingers like grains of sand.
9. The fact that your orgasms can cruelly fake you out. Sure, it can happen to men too, but our road to the orgasm is a straight one, and it’s pretty tough to diverge. It’s a single road across a flat desert. Women traverse an icy mountain and sometimes they flip the car and wind up back at the bottom because someone moved half an inch. That’s just a mean thing for your vagina to do.
10. Why you’d ever, ever, ever, ever give up. Men don’t like to stop until they have their orgasms and neither should women. Don’t cut your losses and fake one, make it happen. Always. Manifest destiny. I know that term typically defines the attitude of Britishness, but in this case, it should define your partner’s mouth expanding on your vagina until you orgasm.
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