How Sexual Frustration Leads To Depression and Loneliness

How Sexual Frustration Leads To Depression and Loneliness

How Sexual Frustration Leads To Depression and Loneliness

By Rachel Thomas (XXX guest poster)

Sexual frustration can have numerous harmful consequences: masturbation overload, porn obsessions, and even fraught attempts of casual sex. The most frequent situations I’ve seen from people I know, random social media posts, and my personal experiences unfortunately usually end with the dreaded ‘D’ word, depression.

Masturbation overload can promote loneliness

Some women feel pathetic having to resort to masturbation because it’s a reminder of how lonely they are. Once the self-satisfaction session is over, it’s back to being alone in bed while watching erotic films. This blueprint can certainly aid depression because the continuous reminder of how you don’t have a lover occurs. For instance, one of my male friends has a wife who is in the hospital. He comes home to an empty bed every night, which is a new adjustment for him. He doesn’t want to cheat as he’s a loyal husband, but the lack of sex is really getting to him. So he watches porn and masturbates. As soon as he’s satisfied, depression kicks in because he feels sexually frustrated and useless.

There’s nothing wrong with masturbation and the art of knowing what exactly makes you climax. Although it is said that masturbation for men is not as healthy as sexual intercourse, according to some studies. Women need to feel an emotional bond, thus it’s difficult for some to enjoy solo sex via masturbating. A friend of mine received a sex toy for her 30th birthday. She’s been single for two years. One night, she decided to pleasure herself with her sex toy but couldn’t climax. She told me using her sex toy just didn’t feel right. She wished she was having sex with a man. I couldn’t help but notice her disappointment. These issues can lead to people not leaving the house and socialising anything like as much as they used to – and they tend not to communicate with friends as much as they did when sexually active.

The older I get the more I desire a relationship to have sex. A long time ago… well, not too long ago, casual sex was a comfort for me. Somehow, I just didn’t care how I felt afterward. Two years ago, I noticed the lack of arousal I experienced with a casual partner. On one occasion, I stopped halfway through and told him how unpleasant it makes me feel (I also felt foul from the sloppy kissing and his smelly armpits). When my sex life slowed down, I felt bored and lonely. At that time, I had zero interest in dating but craved sexual contact. I recall the exact moment I had a meltdown – I curled up in bed and cried because that was it for me – no more sex! In my mind, men only had sex with me because they’ll have sex with any woman willing and able. I wasn’t in the right place for a stable relationship, but I knew the only opening for sex with me was through a committed relationship. I tried masturbating while I watched porn. My sexual frustration skyrocketed. So I became depressed. Nothing I did would cure my sexual frustration which made me even more frustrated.

Recognise your sexual frustration, don’t be in denial

Sex dominates society, let’s admit it. The demand to become sexual or personify a provocative image can lead anyone to sexual disappointment. We live in a world where if your Instagram photos aren’t hot, you’re not desirable. If millennials feel unattractive because they don’t fit a ‘that’ popular profile, then picture how baby-boomers feel. The majority of baby boomers feel invisible in the dating world for obvious shallow reasons perpetuated by society and media.

Visualise someone giving up on the dating scene (and sex) just because society dictates they’re too old? The sexual frustration must be huge! Not to mention the depression which follows… or if baby boomers believe they are depressed. Baby boomers may just be in denial that sexual dissatisfaction, as well as being too old for sex by society’s standards equals depression. For instance, I viewed a couple of profiles on a dating site geared towards people over fifty. Most profiles started with painstaking introductions: “I recently lost my husband. Now life just passes me by.” Yes! You are unhappy if you believe life is passing by. Sure, she could be yearning for unfussy conversations or someone to play table tennis with, but she can gain this access with anyone. The point is, you’re losing out on a sexual partner – someone who you’re not only physically attracted to but emotionally connected with. It’s so difficult to find a partner you can trust and have great sex with.

When you ask a young person if they’re truly complete in their love life, you might get a vague reply. Most of my Facebook friends’ posts are filled with cryptic messages on how lonely they are or how they wish for more sex in their lives.

Since depression is considered embarrassing to many, it’s unlikely they will willingly admit they’re miserable because they aren’t getting laid. But it’s understandable how one’s sexual frustration is depressing. Especially if you are considered attractive by society’s standards, yet sexually frustrated.

A super hot person might think to themselves, “I can get anyone I want. I mean, just look at me. I would shag me,” then probably cry into their pillow.

Young girls are developing eating disorders because they think society prefers stick-thin girls over girls with curves. And men are taking half-naked selfies in the hope of getting “some” girl to send them one of her. Are these behaviours normal? If you ask me, there’s a suggestion of sexual frustration. Low self-esteem is no stranger to depression and sexual frustration. If you don’t feel sexy or fuckable, you may split yourself from the dating world. The dire need of wanting a particular person, but it’s not reciprocated promotes sexual frustration as well as low self-esteem. If your crush’s desires don’t match who you are, you can easily become depressed.

How to cure sexual frustration

The dad news is, I’m not a doctor. I wish I had a cure for sexual frustration. But I can speak from personal struggles and say keeping busy helps. I preoccupy myself with friends and family and have a number of hobbies I enjoy and which occupy much of my free time.  Being outside does amazing things for the mind and body. Once you feel and look good, you develop great self-worth and you won’t mind waiting for someone worth your love… and body.

Sexting can help ease sexual frustration

19 thoughts on “How Sexual Frustration Leads To Depression and Loneliness

  1. Ok… I know the guys are the gender with the huge sex drive, but I’m curious if more than a handful of women are being “short-changed” sexually.

    This is a serious problem in my marriage and I want to know if my situation is unusual or is this a common problem that we just don’t talk about?

  2. Hope you guys can offer me some impartial advice.

    Basically, I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 6 months now. It’s going alright, we get on great, lots of chatting and flirting etc, that’s all great.

    Problem is with her sex drive. She doesn’t have one. We’ve had sex, once… Apart from that she just isn’t that bothered. What I mean by this is that she’s not spontaneous. I’ve always got to move her hand down towards my crotch area, she doesn’t do it by herself, which annoys me the most. She says she’s sexually attracted to me but that she doesn’t have a high sex drive.

    The issue is is that I’ve got a big sex drive and she doesn’t and it’s making us argue. Being honest, we might as well just be friends. I’m seriously thinking about breaking up with her. It annoys me so much.

    Advice?

  3. I agree, exactly what my wife asks to do. But she just approves and leaves it at that. Take the girls to see Cirque du Soleil, get a peck on the cheek. Build a trampoline for her and the kids, get kind words. Swap the winter tires on her car to summers, get a thank you. Take the kids on walks and photo taking adventures, get a “It’s nice you are starting to spend time with them…” Starting? Not only is that a load of bunk, it’s like a cruise missile to the heart. I had to ask my daughters later if they felt I ignored them, they told me, “You’re the best daddy ever, we love you!” Oh, my goodness thank you, my beautiful daughters. With my wife, it’s like I start from zero every hour on the hour.

  4. The only thing that I found that turns her on is me splitting firewood. Gets a little awkward in the summer on the front lawn though…

  5. I absolutely adore my wife, and she knows it. I never press her for sex, I try and flirt with her in the day, but she shuts me down, makes me feel like flirting with her is vulgar somehow.

  6. OKay. I thought I have to address the problem.

    So I am a wife and I went through that phase with my husband as well because of high stress we both went through and the risk of pregnancy (had to lie down for two months and not engage in any sexual behavior).

    For the sake of keeping it short, I will be pretty blunt. Please don’t be offended by what I say!

    1. Women get more interested in sex as they do it more often. The thing is that we have to have time and be relaxed and have time to ourselves. Have time to think and play. Most men do not, they just play all day, they omit the whole foreplay before sex like its nonexistent. The best way to to make women horny is to adore her and flirt with her for the whole day before sex in relaxed situations when she wants to give you her attention. When your wife works, if you will approach her she will get annoyed.

    2. For God’s sake: DO NOT TALK ABOUT PORN OR ANY OTHER FEMALES IN SEXUAL WAY.

    3. Ask her what you can do to be more attractive for her. Women look at the body as well, and men totally forget about this. Try to work out. If she is that kind of person who does not know what she wants, you have to just try to do everything.

    4. Pay attention to small things. I like to do things from gratitude so when my husband warms my heart with something that he does or remembers about I tend to ask him what he wants and grant any wish he has. The funny thing is that when he asks about something small, I tend to wish to do even more for him. 🙂

    5. Do things that make her feel happy and loved and she will return it 😉 Sometimes ladies find their husbands sexy and manly when they play with their kids. Others, when their husband does something in the house that she can’t or doesn’t like to do herself. The thing is that you have to do it with pure heart, not just for sex or attention.

    6. Do not expect women to initiate sex if they have less sex drive than you. Sorry. That’s how it goes.

    7. DO NOT HAVE SEX WHEN SHE DOES NOT WANT IT. It will be painful or unpleasant. Sex is something that should be a pleasure for both of you. So you may need to even stop in the middle for her if she seems to be in pain or something. It’s crucial.

    8. Oh, my, guys… you mention sex, but ladies don’t orgasm with normal penetration usually. If you go down on her every time you have sex she will be more likely to want it as it is equal pleasure for her.

    I know it is very vague and isn’t that simple, as disappointment usually grows with time in a marriage and numbs people to positive things but I hope my tips helped you somehow.

  7. Wow, quite similar to my own situation. Honestly, it stinks. You are not alone. I bring home flowers every week, I tell my wife how much I appreciate her and recognise all the hard work she does at home and taking care of our kids. I praise her artistry while the kids are at school, she crafts and creates. I work hard, bring home good money so that our 3 girls want for nothing. And honestly, I sleep alone every night because she can not handle even sleeping with me. She can not seem to grasp why I have an issue with that. Trust me I feel for you brother. It stinks. And I am just trying to get it figured myself.

  8. Guys, I know how you feel. Once the kids came along the stress, the disappointment robbed my wife’s sex drive. Anyway I’ll make this short. You guys need to go have some good sex. I get the commitment but a wife who doesn’t have sex with her husband is spousal abuse as far as I’m concerned.

    The day my wife told me sex is the lowest priority on her list is the day I decided exclusivity was no longer deserved.

    I really wish she would have sex with me like a few of the women I’ve had sex with do. But I’m afraid that is lost forever. We are damaged by life. She’s not happy with where she is, the stress of kids, me not meeting all her grand expectations… I’m pretty blunt these Days.

    That’s what going and having good sex again gives you, your balls back. Our wives use excuses to convince us this lack of sex is normal and every other women would do the same. Well that’s not true. I choose to be here for my kids, my wife is much like a business partner at this point. I’ve been hurt so many times attempting to be romantic and passionate only to be squashed. Have some sex guys, it’ll make you feel like a man again when a women lusts for you.

    That’s what we are being robbed of. The best thing about having that feeling again is that if you stay in your marriage its your choice. Not because you are injured and feel trapped by her ability to live with you and not want you. Having sex will give you leverage. You’ll know there are better options available and that she better work harder to keep you or she’ll be by herself soon.

    Chances are if she has resentment for you for whatever million reasons she’s come up with she may be sticking around for the kids, fear of judgement by family, friends etc. bottom line if she’s doing that, there is no reason to be mentally tortured by her and her manipulation. It sucks to love someone who doesn’t love you back but I think that’s what we all have in common here. Often I wish my wife was ugly so I wouldn’t be attracted to her so much. I would never have guessed I’d be so miserable and in a sexless marriage.

    I’ve suggested she outsource my needs if she can’t bring herself to meet them but I think she thinks once I get a taste I’ll leave her. Well, she’s wrong about that but great sex is still great boys… Choice is yours.

  9. I am just going to piggyback off this post because I am on the exact same page. I do understand the possibility of after child depression, but my problem goes back to before kids. Our two “honeymoon” years were simply frustrating for me.

    I understand a woman goes from “boyfriend’s bed = sex / my bed = sleep” to “our bed = balancing both” but at one point I decided to not initiate sex and see how long it went and if it made any difference to her… I went for over 6 weeks and could not take it anymore and had to communicate it.

    I even went through the process of losing weight thinking that my physical appearance was not cutting it for her. No dice, I was equally neglected.

    She finally caved into going to therapy, and this fixed the issue a bit, for a while, but I do believe as you state, it’s mostly damage control or simply feeling bad about the situation they cause, but there seems to be no real desire to improve the entire situation as a permanent solution.

    I have come to think that I am at fault, simply because, as I have heard all cases on this thread, we try to be good husbands/fathers too hard, rendering their need to make an effort unnecessary, therefore creating an environment in which I have allowed her to become, for lack of a better word, “lazy”, or simply feel she does not need to make an effort to get full satisfaction from her marriage (which, obviously, does not include the “need” for sex). So she reverts to “allowing” sex when damage control is needed and simply go back to minimum effort towards the relationship.

    I have now figured out that to be fair to her I need to let her know that if she keeps this up, there will be no more happy couple.

    I have a friend who is quite opposite to me, in the sense that he cheats whenever he can, and he gets away with it. So what happened to him was that he got really into one of the ladies on the side and told his wife he was not willing to put up with it. Not even an ultimatum, he “notified” that it was just going to be a matter of finishing details as to “how” to separate. The wife immediately got to ask him to please give her another chance, promised to make a real effort and actually did!

    So maybe the solution is, “You gotta be cruel to be kind”…

    I am really upset at this because, as a rational over-thinker I believe in talk and honest communication being the most important thing. But when I realized that I was sugarcoating my real feelings of frustration so as to “not hurt” her feelings I am really depriving her from the REAL state I am in, and therefore she cannot react accordingly.

    I don’t believe in threatening or giving ultimatums, but unfortunately, this would not be a “mind-trick” but actually a real, honest to goodness, warning of what will ultimately happen if she keeps this up.

    I mean, I actually go out of my way to stay tuned with her needs, make sure she is not stressing out, try to keep an eye out for her physical and mental health, take the kids out on Saturday and/or Sunday mornings so she can sleep in, and what has all this got me? being taken for granted.

    Maybe I just need to “let” her do what she needs to do and not try to do it for her, or try to take the need away. I just hope it’s not too late, because I really do like her, and she really is a great person and mom. I’ll keep you posted.

  10. I feel like I am in a very similar situation as the other guys in the thread.

    Maybe I just messed it up somewhere down the road and now I am paying for it. But more than likely, I just feel like a loser for making a poor choice in finding a partner. I have beautiful children. I love being involved in raising them and being a good role model for them. A divorce would be too devastating for the family, no matter how you slice it.

    Is the only choice to ‘endure’ the giant sinking hole in my heart?

  11. I completely understand your frustration. I am in a VERY similar situation. My wife and I have been married for 21 years. I have spent years trying to be intimate with her but she just comes up with excuses, or just doesn’t even come up with an excuse at all. I feel that in her mind it is just expected that we don’t have sex. Over the past 12 months, we have had sex twice. Like you said, it is not just the act of having sex, but her desire to be close/intimate. For instance, I would walk up behind her, wrap my arms around her and kiss her neck. She would turn and walk away like she is going to get something out of the refrigerator. Another example is when she leaves for work, most of the times when I lean to give her a kiss, she moves her head and kisses me on the cheek. My heart just sinks when these types of things happen.

    Over the past year, I have arrived at the point that I no longer even try. I don’t know if she has picked up on that but from I can tell she is fine with it. We have 3 kids so granted, that can affect the intimacy schedule. However, I have always believed that if you are attracted to someone you make time or at least show it even if it is not full sex.

    I have tried to bring this up before and she gets upset because she doesn’t want to talk about it. Does she get upset because she is being reminded of her true feelings/attraction for me?

    I am beyond frustrated and constantly have knots in my stomach thinking about it. I feel I am a really nice guy and a hopeless romantic. I would love to be able to romance a woman that would appreciate it. I am afraid this is leading me to want to separate from her and get a place of my own. Even if I do not find another woman, perhaps the absence of the daily frustration will help me.

    I could use any help!!!

  12. I feel your pain. Sex has been a major issue in my marriage as well. For years, we have slept on our own side of the bed, usually with one of the kids in the middle. Sex was extremely sporadic, always initiated by me, etc. A couple of weeks ago, I said no sex until our anniversary. At that point, it was 2 months away. Almost immediately, we started cuddling every night. Even after finding out about her affair, we still sleep in the middle of the bed. My wife has always complained that I pressure her for sex. In my mind, I don’t see it that way. After a few weeks, I do try more often. Also, I would hold her in debt. “I did the dishes, cooked supper, brought you wine, etc. Why won’t you give me some sex?”

    Therefore, she was never able to freely give it. Since I said no sex for a couple of months, there has been more affection. This is even at the most difficult time in our marriage. She is still actively involved in an online affair, but we are cuddling. I guess that is a good sign that she isn’t completely gone. My point is, perhaps if you tell her something like, “Hey, sex has been an issue with us. How about we agree that we will not have sex at least for __________ (whatever time frame you feel comfortable with). That will take any pressure off of you.” You may be amazed at the results. I wish I had tried that at a time when the marriage wasn’t so stressed. Good luck.

  13. Hi Tracy, thanks for your response.

    We have discussed the option of visiting a therapist. It is weird she is open to doing that but not willing to put effort into changing when I express how much it really upsets me. It sounds weird but I think maybe a therapist is the only route since it seems to go deeper than me just feeling sad and pleading with her to try. I will talk to her again, I just find it a very tiring conversation and have arrived at the point of shutting down.

    I told her yesterday that either my sex drive has to be reduced or hers has to increase, and due to the medicine mine has decreased so perhaps that will make us feel closer. She told me today that it is not fair on me and she recognises she needs to change. Unfortunately, this is a somewhat familiar conversation… sometimes it is understanding, other times an argument or other times results in her crying. I hate it cause I am hurting a lot too.

    Sorry for the rambling, it is just a very frustrating situation.

    Thanks again

  14. What do you think your wife would say if you asked her to see a sex therapist or to see a therapist together with you? You clearly are not happy and that matters, she should at least listen to you and try to fix what isn’t working.

    Tracy

  15. Depressed, Lonely, Sexually Frustrated

    Hello, my situation is complicated without writing an extremely long post so I will try to stick to the key points (which is still pretty long… sorry).

    I am diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I am currently taking Cipralex and it has also drastically reduced my sex drive which is allowing me to cope with the situation a little more.

    First, I have an amazing hard-working wife, she is someone I love and trust and she is a fantastic caring person and mother who does so much for me as long as it doesn’t really involve sex.

    – my wife never gets horny, she never masturbates and never approaches me for sex
    – my wife never surprises me with sex, there is no anticipation/excitement. She is never ready to go and just dying for me to be with her.
    – my wife makes me feel like I am not needed. I don’t feel as if I am satisfying her, But then at the same time I feel as if sex is not a necessity regardless of the person
    – my wife will communicate with me in the most unromantic/discouraging way. i.e can you have an orgasm really fast? or are you almost done? or can you just stop and masturbate? etc…
    – my wife will have sex, it is not as often as I would like and very sporadic. When we do it is just her doing damage control. In all honesty I sometimes feel like I am molesting someone and I then have a hard time finishing
    – my wife cannot even tell me one thing that turns her on and I do not know how to turn her on
    – my wife always has excuses, she will say an excuse and then do something that contradicts being to tired, or busy etc…
    – my wife wonders why I take so long to have an orgasm, it is simply because she is not committed to me having one. I think that is why she avoids sex at times too. (i.e. I don’t have the time). I tell her what I like and she doesn’t even try (and it is not complicated/degrading requests either).
    – my wife will say “I will do it tomorrow” and then that may mean 3 days later. She always makes empty promises
    – my wife does not make sex a priority. Instead she will talk on the phone for 45 minutes but not see the importance of being intimate for the sake of a healthy marriage.
    – my wife teases me far too much, she will touch me for 20 seconds and then that is it.
    – I quite often go to bed really hurt inside with a sexual buildup I do not know how to satisfy anymore.
    – I am no longer feeling relief from masturbation since I require real intimacy with a real person

    I tell my wife I do not need her to do all these elaborate things like a porn star. As much as I would like to have sex at least a few times a week I would rather have it less and it is mutual. I have really just concluded she has pretty much no sex drive and sex is all about me and not her. There are occasionally times when I can tell she enjoys it but it always starts off with a bunch of warm-ups or after a very long break. She is almost always dry and does not respond to me in a way that allows me to feel sexually satisfied. She is aware of how I feel, we have discussed it but no matter what she will not try to change. She knows when I am feeling neglected but she does not see the importance of having a satisfied husband (marriage).

    She tells me that she feels as if I think something is wrong with her. In all honesty, I really do think something is not right but maybe it is just a difference in personalities? I do not know but we feel like total opposites.

    My wife tells me she wants more affection, compliments a clean house etc… I do a lot of cleaning and I try to compliment her as much as I can. But I find this gives me nothing to work with, I am actually a very romantic, loving person and I feel I do not even have the opportunity or motivation to do it as much as I can, In all honesty, it feels like I am complimenting an inanimate object and there is not even a hint of things changing.

    I really don’t know what to do, I feel as if she is not being respectful of our marriage. Morally I will not cheat but I find up until I have been medicated (which has lowered my sex drive). I was over masturbating in order to numb any sexual desire/frustration and was looking for ways to kill my sex drive since this is too much to bear.

    I do not necessarily need a change of the act, I just need a change of the attitude surrounding sex. Sure I would like to try a little more things but I can live with straight-up sex if it is to an aroused person.

    I am attracted to my wife and she knows that we are young (30’s) and I feel my sex life is so utterly boring. I am completely unfulfilled, I am very lonely and this lack of intimacy is disabling us from having a closeness in everyday life. I just long for the day where we rush to bed to have sex because we are so worked up. Unfortunately, there is no such passion. I am tired and losing interest in trying to fight this fight anymore.

    What can I do?

  16. Believe it or not, there are guys in other societies who have it just as rough. Just for other reasons.

    Honestly? You can’t let it get to you too much. It does absolutely no good and will do you a lot of harm if you let it.

    It will get easier as you get older. Just give it some time. I know it sucks but I dealt with pretty much the same thing through my whole teen years and 20s. And I didn’t have anything like the internet.

  17. I get extremely sexually frustrated. I think we all have different ideas of how much is enough, and I hope everyone who replies to this thread can respect that.

    I wanted to share what I personally went through over a period of a year with ZERO sex. The amount of frustration was so intolerable as it lead me to label myself as a person who was undesirable and could not get laid, and beneath everyone who had regular sex. The fact that I’ve even gone through that has dealt a lasting blow to my self-esteem. I’m afraid now if I ever find a new sexual partner, I will not be able to engage in sex with them because the anxiety will ruin the experience. I find masturbation extremely necessary and being good and creative at it is a priority for me. This all feels very weird to share with a stranger but you were also brave to admit your frustration so I’m sending compassion your way.

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