BDSM: Real UK Women into BDSM

WOMEN WANTING BDSM ROLE PLAY

Sexual behaviour is continuously change. In the 1800′s some people had sex in long gowns with a hole and slit cut in the front. If you wanted to try doggie style or oral sex you were a pervert.

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It's the same way with sex today: doggie style and oral are now commonplace, and people who like rough sex and leather costumes are the new deviants. Will it be like that in 10 years time? Probably not.

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LIZ, NORTHAMPTON, SAYS
This is amazing! Thank you for taking the time to write this. Liz, 42, Northampton

The reality about what we do is that we're playing with our brains and our bodies in search of having more better sex. It's also an arena where individuals can work through the natural authority dynamics that occur in all human relationships in a healthy manner.

BDSM is two dissimilar things that are frequently but not always mixed equally: sensation play and power dynamics. If somebody is being spanked and they enjoy it, that's sensation play. If someone enjoys being punished, that's a power dynamic.

BDSM play with no power play is called sensation play. Sensation play shared with some power play, where one individual is in charge, it is called topping and bottoming.

Power play that goes beyond sexual behaviour is called domination and submission (D/s).

MASTER DAVE, CARDIFF, SAYS
This is a great article for new and old. It's also good to have a reminder from time to time. It's very easy to become complacent. Master Dave, 36, Cardiff

Some people look for sensation play because they enjoy how it makes them feel; some people are 'into' domination and submission because it fills a deep psychological need.

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COMMUNICATION

Many people aren't great at communicating their thoughts and feelings to others. We tend to learn just sufficient to get by as members of a pre-conditioned society, but there is no real training in relationships or how to communicate well with someone you are in a relationship with.

Over time we can all fall into being passive or aggressive – we can become emotionally scheming and display defensive behaviour patterns. All this is not good, but it works well enough to keep Mr and Ms average rubbing along together in their vanilla relationship.

This is NOT the case with BDSM. The sexual intensity and deep intimacy of kink and D/s are for the most part susceptible emotional territories. Both dominants and submissives give themselves to their partner with complete trust, and it's both of your jobs to make sure that trust doesn't get broken.

ANON, SOUTHPORT, SAYS
This article helped. I'm a little shy on how to actually tell my lover that he has awakened this desire and drive within me to have him completely dominate me. This is new to me but oh my how I'll find the courage, he is worth it. Thanks for the suggestions. Anonymous, 26, Southport

You must express your thoughts and feelings even if you don't want to, and your partner needs to listen and be sympathetic, even if they don't like what you are saying. The days of feeling hurt and not expressing yourself, or of reacting like a child when your partner shares something vulnerable are over. You MUST learn to communicate.

If you don't implant good behaviour early on and practice it frequently your relationship will be full of intensity of indifference that will make you wish the old days would come back.

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All right, now to the fun stuff. You know those ice cream places with more than a dozen flavours and ten times as many toppings? This is just like that. BDSM is the most gorgeous flavoured ice cream you can imagine, and you and your partner get to decide together what you want and don't want to go on it. The process of this is called negotiation.

First you decide what things you absolutely can't stand. These are your limits. Then you decide what things you do want as a top. These are your desires. People generally make three big mistakes at this point: first, not wanting to try something they've never tasted; second, getting grumpy that your partner doesn't want to try something you know you like; and third, convincing yourself that if you can't have something you like you'll never be happy.

Have you ever truly enjoyed something and then not enjoyed it anymore? Or really didn't like something that later you appreciated. That's because our brains are continually growing and altering. People are continuously wiring and unwiring their needs. This isn't psychological, it's neurological. People HATE to confess this so the best way to take benefit of it is to just settle down and let the process work itself.

Try those blue sprinkles on lilac ice cream, and when your partner doesn't want the Smarties you're certain that life will be miserable without, just let it go for now. Your brains can't rewire themselves if you keep telling them what they will and won't like. Create an atmosphere of persistence, trust, and willingness, and you'll be amazed at the results.

ROSIE, SOUTHAMPTON, SAYS
Thanks for such a great article! Very informative. I've hooked up with a guy 6 months ago, a total sub that's been encouraging me in every aspect of being a dom. So far so good! Rosie, 28, Southampton

Now you've both settled on what kind of ice cream you want and what you want on it, here comes the tough part, and the fun part. You're the Dom, so you'll be doing the whole thing from here on in. In other words, getting the tub, layering the ingredients, and planning how to feed it to her in a way that will be exciting for both of you.

Chocolate-vanilla swirl, sprinkles on the left, chocolate chips on the right, a hidden bite of liquorice, another squirt of lemon, whipped cream, blueberries, a bunch of napkins, two spoons…. This is the part they don't tell you about being a Dom. It's a lot of work. You realise that it's not enough to be puffed up with the desire to have an awesome eating experience; you actually have to have a plan. This is called crafting a scene. Be creative; do your best. It's a lot of fun once you get the hang of it.

GREG, LEEDS, SAYS
I have recently started dating a woman who would like to establish a master/slave relationship. I am new to this and appreciate your article. Thank you. Greg, 30, Leeds

You've left your shame at the door; you've communicated; you've negotiated. Before we get to playtime, we have one last thing to talk about: safety. This is a serious matter because a lot of simple BDSM actions bear risks that aren't necessarily obvious. You need to do your own research, but here are a few basic guidelines:

  • Have a safe word that the bottom will be able to call if play gets too extreme.
  • Under no circumstances hit anywhere near their kidneys or eyes.
  • Never leave a restrained partner alone.
  • Always be aware of what could occur if a restrained person trips or falls.
  • Without delay release any restraint that causes lack of feeling or tingling sensations.
  • If a person is gagged they must have a clearly noticeable alternative for a safe word like a ball or a red hanky they can drop.

Safe words have to be clear and straightforward and ought to have two levels: slow down and stop.

ANON, SHEFFIELD, SAYS
Thank you, thank you! I have a lady who wants me to be her dom and while I am open to the concept, it was refreshing to know that I don't have to be a dick about it. I care for this woman, and she opened up to me about her kink, which I am grateful for. I just wanted to know (and as I suspected) that being a dom was about respect, trust, and yes, love. Anonymous, 34, Sheffield

If you aren't undertaking consensual non-consent play, there is no reason you can't just say slow down and stop. 'Yellow' and 'red' are extremely regular safe words. I would encourage you both to get comfortable with safe words. Calling your safe word is not a failure; it's an important part of BDSM communication. I hardly ever get a red in bed, but if I'm not hearing at least one yellow per session, I'm not giving her all I can, and I'm not learning my partner's limits. I believe that pushing a sub to safe word on occasion helps them to get comfortable with the notion of communicating in the instant, which is a VERY good routine to have.

All right, it's play time. Let's do it. You've by now determined what you're going to do, now let's talk about how you're going to do it.

Domination requires three things: self-confidence, control, and understanding.

PAUL, STOKE-ON-TRENT, SAYS
The ice cream analogy is brilliant! Thank you for an articulated and informative description of play and D/s. I wish such info were available to me when I was starting out, I'd have avoided many of the pitfalls. I will recommend this writing to others. Paul, 49, Stoke-on-Trent

Self-confidence is key
People read others' body language on levels we're not even aware of, and when you are relaxed and self-confident that subliminally communicates to the submissive that you know what you're doing, and that whatever you want to do is the right thing, and she should relax and go with the flow. It's not something you can fake and that's why it's difficult for new Doms to get started.

The best thing you can do for self-confidence is to start unhurried, craft an uncomplicated scene, and try to do it really well. It's ok to laugh and relax — you don't want to be the serious Super-Dom. If you try to do forceful play while you're still new and anxious, you're going to end up looking like an ass.

It's worth looking at books and fetish sites to get an idea of what other people do, but we can't stress enough that your dominance is an expression of you and to be really good at it you'll have to build up your own style.

KAREN, ABERDEEN, SAYS
Me and the man I'm talking to are both very new to this. I'm new to actually doing it, now that I have finally been honest with myself. I found this article by accident and it is helping us both out. Thanks. Karen, 41, Aberdeen

Control
Submissive love to be controlled. It makes them feel safe and relaxed and allows them to let go and just go on a mental holiday. It more or less doesn't matter what you are doing as long as you preserve a steady flow of control, telling them what to do, and physically controlling their body.

This is much more difficult than it sounds. It takes practice, which is why you should start with short straightforward scenes. It should be like a dance, a push and pull of power, every so often moving quickly and unexpectedly like pulling a woman stumbling down a hallway with a belt wrapped around her neck, other times slow and intimate like having her stand in front of you frozen like a statue while you examine every bit of her body while drinking a cup of tea.

We can't really give any detailed guidance because what happens is so dependent on the kinks and comfort level of the person.

Understanding
While you should be creating a believable fantasy that you are using your submissive for your pleasure, the reality of the fact is that if you just plough forward like a bull in a vagina shop things won't end well.

KEVIN, ESSEX, SAYS
Thank you for this article. I've been with this bright, attractive, sexy girl for a week and it's escalating quickly to the point where I got a 'I want you to boss me around' text last night. I appreciate that this is a critical time and your advice will help immensely (guess there's a reason this was first page hit on Google). I particularly like how this is not a 'be an aggressive asshole' situation, and actually involves a lot of work on my part, since I like to work hard to please my girlfriend. Kevin, 44, Essex

Understanding is learning to read your partner's energy and redirect the scene if needed. Maybe she needs it harder; maybe she needs you to back off; maybe she needs it different; maybe she needs to be told to 'shut the fuck up bitch and suffer through it.'

It's a progression of trial and error, and that's why we have dialogue and safe words to define the outer parameters. The art of being a good dominant is learning to distinguish from body language alone just where the edges are and then surfing the line just inside of safe words.

Confidence, control, and understanding are things you learn over time. At first you'll lean heavily on your toys and scenes, but as you grow you'll find that all those things were just props that helped you feel safe establishing a dominant connection.

Now we're at the point when you have just finished your scene where you safely executed your negotiated activities with confidence, control, and understanding. Now the playtime is over and according to the Holy Book of BDSM, it's time to offer your partner some aftercare: showering your submissive with kisses and cuddles and perhaps a sensual massage too.

ANON, LONDON, SAYS
I loved the ice cream analogy, but I have a question as a submissive husband who has a domme wife. I would be very open to any suggested readings on being married to someone in the BDSM lifestyle. Anonymous, 56, London

Communication, negotiation, safety, scene, aftercare. This is how most people would define the arc of a healthy BDSM experience, but we want to add one more vital element: The next day check-in.

Now that you've both had a chance to sleep on whatever kinky things you did the night before. It's time to get together and talk about what happened. What did you enjoy? What did you not enjoy? How did the session make you feel? What might work better if things changed it a little? This procedure is key because it teaches subs to communicate, (which subs are usually bad at), and it teaches Doms to listen (which Doms are usually bad at), and it teaches both individuals to talk about sexuality frankly and openly (which everyone is usually bad at).

It gives both parties the opportunity to reassure each other after an experience of powerful shared vulnerability. During these conversations, it's important that you don't take a criticism as a personal attack, just as it's your partner's duty not to phrase it that way.

CATHY, BIRMINGHAM, SAYS
So glad I found this article, always liked parts of this. Now met a guy who loves being a submissive and I'm learning a lot about myself and BDSM. Any more tips for a newbie would really help. Cathy, 40, Birmingham

Keep in mind, that it's also fine for you to have limits and needs of your own. You're allowed to say that you didn't like this or wanted more of that. And it's her duty to listen, not attack you, and try hard to meet your needs. Women are trained by our fucked-up society from an early age to use their sexuality to gain emotional influence over the men in their lives, and I think as men we have an extremely embedded idea that their vaginas are some sort of magic box that we are fortunate to be able to play with in the first place.

It's one way for women to gain power in a culture that empowers them, and as understandable as that is, there is no place for this sort of manoeuvring in BDSM. If someone needs power they must ask for it.

You must make sure from the start that you are in a relationship that respects the time, effort, thought, and vulnerability that goes into learning to be a good dominant — after all, this is about you, too. At the end of a check-in, you both should have worked through any outstanding feeling or discomforts to create a clean emotional slate so you can go into the next experience with complete trust and vulnerability to each other.

MANDY, NOTTINGHAM, SAYS
Thank you for the much needed elementary introduction. Although I have an interest, and think it would be the answer to my lifelong question, 'Why do I feel uncomfortable initiating sex, but enjoy feeling irresistible, love being ravaged, and wish to be instructed when and how to pleasure my man?' Our marriage is rocky, often lacking healthy everyday communication and sex deprived. Mandy, 49, Nottingham

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The skills you'll gain from going through the process of exploring BDSM sexuality will swell outward into all areas of your life. You'll learn to be helpless while still having boundaries. You'll learn to communicate well. You'll learn to identify the existing power dynamics in your relationship and articulate that in a healthy way.

You'll learn to be sincere with yourself and your partner about your real desires so you can finally stop wanking off to internet porn and start actually doing all those things in real life.

WE SAY
It is important to remember that as the dominant one, it's your job to give her/him pleasure, it is not all about you - it's about her/him so don't be selfish and just think of your own needs.
XXX BDSM HQ

BE SENSIBLE
Be safe, take care and be nice to each other.

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